Have you every had a good cry?
Once you were done crying you felt better and life just seemed easier to cope with after all was said and done?
This week was just a roller coaster of emotions. Both kids were sick and not sleeping well. Exhaustion ensued with a migraine headache that just wouldn't end. Sound, light and movement was hard to deal with. Cleaning seemed to be only thing on my mind and there was I just staring at it. Wishing my painful migraine gave me super powers if I blinked my eyes it would all be organized or something. I would love to have more migraines if that was case!
The week went on with a pile of emotions that I hate admitting to. Jealousy, anger, annoyance, sadness and fear. Stress and the loss of control over everything (well the last one I've had since Cpl. Mayhem went back to Afghanistan but I figured I should add to that list above).
I just kept adding to my already filled bottle of emotions and keeping it in was no longer working until finally I burst and broke down...
...On my kitchen floor...., staring at my ceiling and sobbing like a baby. For the first time I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. No one would understand- they were supermoms! Busy with their lives, not worried or could be bothered to care if I was around. And why should they? I wasn't around for them, I left for 3 months.
Being alone is a crappy feeling. No amount of phone calls or emails can replace a hug or touch from another person.
Thank God for my friend B.
Cpl. Mayhem has a best friend named J. B is J's girlfriend. B and I were able to infiltrate their very tight knit unit, since then she and I have been buds. This week after my cry we talked and had the best laugh with her. Mainly about our significant others and the crazy stuff they do. She wouldn't know that while I was talking her I had tears in my eyes cause I missed her and J so much.
It's hard living on a base where friends are hard to come by. I'm thankful the ones I have but since being back it's been hard to get together, talk or heck even get an email response sometimes. And we all know that those friendships are hard to keep once you get posted out of base or even leaving for a couple of months.
So I cried, for everything I wanted to say but couldn't, for feeling helpless and for being human. I'm not going to fake perfection, I have days, weeks even where I need help, I'm not happy or forget why I even do what I'm doing.
Until that little note comes in my inbox from Cpl. Mayhem:
" Hi V, I miss you so much, can't wait to come home and have you in my arms. Send kisses to the kids, I'll write when I can." Cpl. Mayhem